My Biggest Fear

     Elusively, I mentioned that I had "changed" a lot, since I stopped writing in my old blog.  Not only were these changes the reason I ceased writing publicly, they made me ashamed of my old thought processes and words.  More than shame, however, they made me uncomfortable.  Reading through the words of my past life, and it feels like just that, the ramblings of a girl I can't even feel any more, it scares me to realize how confused I was.  While I wrote a few things I was proud of and still feel bubbling up from within my soul, the love I have for my brother for instance, several posts are chock full of religious cliches and explain longings to know the god I sought after for seventeen years, the god I no longer believe in.  I was so desperate for depth and connection to the universe.. and I know now that I tried to convince myself with my own writing... that the god of my childhood was the answer to my guilt and disapproval of myself. It was as if I believed that by repetition of thought and accolades for my writing, I could convince myself to be a part of a religion in which I found no comfort. I couldn't even read these posts anymore as I tried to develop into who I knew I was supposed to be, and I wanted no one else to know the old me.. for fear she would hold me back from evolution into myself. 

    However, I know now that these recordings of my spiritual development are nothing to be fearful of.  Sure.. while reading them I will always be reminded of the maelstrom of guilt and deceit that was my true mind at the conception of these saccharine pieces of literature; but I have come to realize that evolving into the person you are is a process, in which every step is valuable.  I was a girl desperate for acceptance, and using the name of God was the quickest, surest way I knew to get people to love me.  

The internet will now hold record of Crosby Damron begging for the approval of her friends and family with a high school blog, and I'm thankful.  Perhaps part of my life's purpose is to serve as a reminder of the human need for acceptance. 

    I have come to know that next to food and shelter, rests the inherent human longing for acceptance.  Every decision we make, every word we say, every attempt at success, boils down to our relentless need to be loved unconditionally.  I need to know I am loved not only in spite of, but because, of what I  believe honestly, what I live for, and the mistakes I make.  I am working on giving this grace to others, because I know the detriment to the psyche that is caused from living an untruthful life.  I vow to never inspire others to live a life dishonest to their heart in order to win my acceptance. I thank the universe and am reminded of the inherent goodness of the human heart every time I am reminded of what I have come to know... that I have a mother, father, brother, and friends who convince me everyday that I am accepted.